Ruminations

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My apologies for a blog gone dormant.

This has been my place to share silliness and wonder and achieved milestones for years.
Yet I have found over the last year that I am no longer the person who once posted here so regularly.
Nor are the children about whom I’ve shared.

The children continue to be amazing, astonishing, curious, intelligent and surprising. And they have lives and preferences and experiences that belong to them individually now — not just as a part of my parenting-journey. And I respect that and find I do not feel at ease with relating their lives in a venue unchosen by them.

These understandings are informed by (indeed even caused by) ruminations of my own nature and the reasons that I began blogging.

I had spent a huge portion of my life deeply doubting my own worth.
Parenting without self-worth is a hard road.
Much of my blogging, though unknown to me at the time, was an attempt to prove to myself that I wasn’t a complete waste as a person…or parent.
Yet no matter how much I blogged — no matter how precious the photos — the doubt gnawed at me. I could fake it enough to feel that the children were not to be damaged irreparably. But I could not feel worth in my spirit.

Then, about a year ago, it all changed.

I discovered that I was/am an Introvert.

How does one get to their late 40s without knowing this?
I had many bad experiences as a child and I just assumed that the general state of my screwed-up-ness related back to that.
I was defective. Period.

But when I began to read about introversion and about the different experiences, reactions, coping mechanisms and thought processes related to it — everything made sense.

When I stopped pushing myself to be more outgoing, more social, more like ‘everyone else’ I found that I really liked who I was at the core.

Acceptance evolved into peace and serenity and confidence.

Like most Introverts, I have triggers. I call them the Big 3: chaos, crowds & conflict.
So I organize my life, as much as I can, to minimize or avoid all of them.
I shop at off hours, I stay away from negative people and situations, I do not watch the news…

Socializing is still difficult at times — the level of difficulty rising with the noise or negativity of the situation.
But I’ve found that I can cope. I can get adequate sleep, eat healthy foods, nurture healthy relationships and, quite importantly, give myself plenty of ‘introverting’ to recover after.

I am not anti-social.
I am selectively social.

Socializing, in other words, people, are to me like the Sun.
We need the Sun to survive.
But either too little or too much and we do not thrive — and extremely too little or too much and we do not even survive.

Enough to thrive, with one’s own requisite amounts of light and shade respected, there is the sweet spot.

So, here I am, a deep introvert trying to explain why this blog is dormant, and indeed why I have gleefully embraced being a homebody. Because here, at home, with my family….this is my sweet spot.
And where you’ll most likely find me — learning with the children, cooking/baking yummy foods, knitting, crocheting & spinning to my heart’s content, watching Doctor Who or other geek-tastic shows.

I am deeply comfortable in my own skin.
I am confident in my ability to love these dear ones well and deeply enough to compensate for any of my failings.

I am at peace.

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3 thoughts on “Ruminations

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I can completely relate. I too am an introvert (as are about 25% of us) and it is hard not to feel “wrong” in some way when the majority choose to live their lives so differently. But I do think we introverts bring our own gifts to the world.
    None of us are without scars or weaknesses, but that does not cancel out our strengths, and indeed I believe that great wisdom can come from those parts of ourselves which we find hard to accept.
    I have enjoyed reading your blog, and perhaps it is because you are an introvert that I have. I hope that you keep posting your reflections on life and on being at home with your children, but as a fellow introvert, I understand if you prefer not to. :-)
    Cathy

  2. Perhaps I will blog more. About my life, my journey, my hobbies and my personal epiphanies. Too soon to tell. ;)

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