Just not online very much.
I’m making a conscious effort to find more balance in my life…and that means turning off the computer more.
Also I’m busy making christmas presents for the grandparents and closest friends.
This is a lonely time for me. I don’t know anyone here beyond cashiers at the grocery store. I have some online connections to people relatively close to me, but I’ve not made any IRL connections.
And I don’t have any enthusiasm for doing so. It all seems so much effort and just not worth the work. I had a wonderful group of friends back in Indianapolis and I don’t want to put that kind of effort into collecting a tribe around me again…especially since I don’t know if we’ll stay in Maryland very long.
I sound depressed, this I know. But I’m not so sure that it is depression as much as it is acknowledgement that a transition this big has consequences and takes time to work through. I am grieving, yes, for a life that is no longer. But I am not quick to think I need to take a pill to fix it. I need time. I need to heal. I need to find my way in this new reality. And that is not something I can force or rush.
So, I live in my loneliness knowing that it has something to teach me.
So, I try to meet all my familys’ various needs while supporting my spirit.
So, I try to respect natural cycles (like the moon phases, to which I am paying much attention these days) and natural feelings.
And I look into my beautiful daughter’s soulful eyes and I know why I want to work through this, not suppress it.
They deserve the best I can muster.
I will emerge from this cocoon when I am ready. All cocoons are self-made and the creature within knows when it is time to emerge and spread new wings…